


The Redaction

by scarecrowstories



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Memory Alteration, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 12:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19869301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarecrowstories/pseuds/scarecrowstories
Summary: What was Lucretia thinking when she decided to go through with her redaction? How did she justify it to herself every day that she worked on revising their mission? How could she spend day after day knowing that she was doing something unforgivable, and continue to trust that it was necessary?





	The Redaction

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, how's about the new scene with Lucretia at the end of the graphic novel? The pain in her expressions (and the horrible coldness in Taako's) had me thinking about this, and since I'm an angst goblin, here you go.
> 
> Also, like, it's 4am so even though I definitely reread this three times before posting it, something dumb probably slipped through. Whatever.

How could she watch her family suffer and do nothing when it was within her power to act? How could she sit by while their grief tore them apart and not feel compelled to seek a solution? The longer it went on, the more certain Lucretia felt that it was her responsibility to make the difficult choice none of them wanted to make. If they couldn't collectively admit that their plan had backfired and that it was time to fix the mess they'd made, then she would have to do it herself.

The day she had the realization that it was possible was unremarkable compared to the other days. She'd heard sobbing coming from the common room, a hushed voice speaking in comforting tones attempting to console the inconsolable. It was happening almost daily, now, that someone crumbled under the weight of it all; and with each day the tears were harder to assuage. How long until they were all lost to madness, until the agony of their shared guilt irreparably shattered their now-mortal minds?

Some days none of them left their respective rooms, leaving the ship full of eerie quiet, a stillness it had never known even during her loneliest year. The air felt heavy with sadness and anger, their eyes all always empty and searching. They spent so long running and fighting that they'd become ill-suited to idly sitting by all while the world raged on, devastation sweeping across the lands. 

How did it end up like this? The relics were meant to protect this plane from the Hunger. They were going to keep them safe, they just had to! But at what cost?

This was not the ending they had envisioned. Lucretia slammed her journal shut, hands trembling. If they couldn't change the ending, maybe she could change the beginning and the middle, if only superficially. Their victory had become a festering wound upon their souls, and she had the means to heal that wound.

Knowing what she knew, who wouldn't?

A heavy guilt sat in her heart. She knew that her family wouldn't. The thought wouldn't even occur to them. But for Lucretia, whose room was filled with the physical record of their journey, the thought came all too easily. She alone was responsible for chronicling their adventures, and had spent so much of her time surrounded by the growing library that stood as testament to their continued failure. As the books piled higher, spilling across multiple shelves, she felt like she was drowning in it. Everywhere she looked she saw loss, death, tragedy after tragedy, unimaginable desolation…

How could anyone stand to sit among that, fully capable of erasing that pain from their loved ones, and choose not to? It would take careful planning over the course of months, and she would have to be incredibly careful not to be caught, but she knew that it had to be done if she ever wanted them to be happy again. With this one action, they would be able to live fully in their new home world. She could give them the normal lives they deserved.

And then Lup had disappeared. At first she'd barely noticed. They'd all become scarce and unsociable, often disappearing for a few days at a time. It wasn't a big deal, until it was. It didn't matter that she'd run off, until she didn't come back. And it didn't hurt until Lucretia realized she couldn't remember the last conversation she'd had with Lup.

The next four months saw her locked in her room around the clock, unable to look her family in the eyes knowing what she was putting into motion. Taako and Barry grew more frantic in their search for Lup, so much so that Lucretia almost broke down and told them her plan, anything to distract them from their frenzied pain even if it meant directing their anger towards her. 

But no. She couldn't let her desperation ruin the plan now. The day she decided that it needed to be done had planted the seed in her heart, and she would see it to fruition. No more putting it to a vote and letting them talk her out of it when they all knew how that ended last time. No more lack of confidence in her ability to get things done. She'd already proven that she could handle things by herself, and it was time to prove that once more.

The redaction itself wasn't the only component that needed to be set up. She spent time researching places that could potentially become the new homes for her dear family, occasionally visiting them to scout out the area. It was hard to say for certain how their sense of self would cope with having so much erased, and she wanted to have somewhere safe prepared for them to settle down.

It was risky and dangerous and cruel. It would only be temporary because she couldn't stand the idea of not restoring their memories once she was victorious. She could easily let them never recall what they'd lost, watch from afar as they lived out their lives none the wiser to their forgotten anguish. But that was cowardly, an easy way out that she wouldn't allow herself to take. She deserved their blame as much as they deserved the truth. They would never forgive her, and she didn't want them to.

Day after day she did nothing but arduously reread the entire mission log, making notes to herself on what was to be kept and what was to be erased. There had to be an internal consistency with absolutely no margin of error. She couldn't erase a detail and then forget to remove something referencing it later, or leave in something that could trigger them attempting to recall the rest. It had to be perfect. She had a growing pile of notes to reference as she continued the labor.

By the time Lucretia finished her third reread of the mission log, she felt enough had been removed that it was time to make her plan a reality. Tears streamed down Lucretia's face, hands trembling, as she looked over to Fisher's tank. It was too late in the evening to do it now, she reasoned. Tomorrow for sure. Bright and early. That way she would have the whole day to ferry them to their new homes.

She told herself the same excuse the next day. And the day after that. And the following day as well. By the fourth day she couldn’t stand looking at the journals anymore, the guilt of her intent sitting sour in her stomach like poison. Anxiety gripped her heart every time she picked up one of the thick tomes, and she faltered. 

How could she do this to them? How could she erase her family? They would forget her, and she would be all alone, and she swore ever since that year that she would do anything to never have to be that alone again. 

But she had also resolved to do whatever was within her power to keep them safe. The internal struggle of which she valued more was killing her. Was it more important that she not feel alone, or that her family be happy? Did her feelings really matter more than theirs? They weren't any closer to finding Lup, now missing for four long months. The world wasn't any closer to stopping its insane war for the relics.

Whenever she ran into Taako and saw how hollow he was, she wanted to scream. Seeing how lifeless Barry had become without his wife beside him, how the ceaseless desperation had reduced him to a fractured shell of a man, she was in agony. Magnus had lost the sparkle in his eye, his severe expression betraying that he was not simply a twenty year old man. The horrors of their mistakes had robbed Merle of his faith, had stolen Davenport's passion.

The night of that fourth day she heard Taako sobbing hysterically in his room, followed by him screaming, presumably at Barry, that he didn't want to be comforted. She heard the two of them argue all evening and knew that the next morning she would have to find her courage one way or another. She couldn't stand this another moment longer, and by the sound of it, neither could anybody else.

She couldn't fall asleep knowing what morning would bring. She could barely breathe, knowing that the next time she opened her eyes, she was going to destroy their world one last time. And so when she finally awoke late in the morning, dread seeping through every inch of her, she tried to go about her routine as normally as possible. A shower, which she dissociated through the entirety of. Dressing for the day, despite not wanting to face it at all. Breakfast, though she couldn't stomach more than dry toast.

And then, with great difficulty and reluctance, she grieved for their loss as she set to her task.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuses, but if it hurt you I totally get it if you wanna yell at me.


End file.
